Gratitude Journal Day #3

Running a tad behind, didn't realize it had gotten so late.

Early yesterday morning(2:30am roughly) that tearing pain popped up in my chest again. It happened once more around 4:30pm. When it happens, I can't move. I just freeze because if I move or try to take a deep breath, it's like my chest is being ripped apart.

Pleasant, I know. It started around October 2009 and when I went to a MedExpress, they told me it was a pulled muscle that was inflamed.

Since then, it happens on and off at random. I went to the gym on Friday, so it could have been that. I haven't spoken to *my* Dr about it because I keep forgetting.

This lead to an anxiety attack(?) earlier. My mind ran through all the horrible things it could be and all the worst possible scenarios.

I wish I had never started watching, "House", or listened to others try and diagnose my problems. Since the first time someone told me my strange symptoms and head pain might be a tumor(I mean, really? You're going to say that to someone already worried? Which, btw, it turned out to be migraine symptoms. Yeah, big difference.) I go into a tizzy when some new, or yet to be determined pain pops up.

This all contributes heavily to my anxiety, which I have come to realize is a lot bigger of a deal than I gave it credit for.

I'll actually be going to see a therapist soon. It's weird and awkward, but it's time. I have a lot of issues. A lot of them I don't talk about to people, or get into too deep because, honestly? They won't understand. I'm happy they can't relate though.

I've got a lot of issues, from as far back as when I was 10. I generally compartmentalize and then keep moving forward, but when you keep doing that and never actually deal with your problems? You end up randomly crying, getting terrified of being somewhere because that person looked like so and so, getting angry for no reason. It's just not healthy and it's effecting my day to day life now.

So for today's Gratitude, I'm thankful for having access to a health center that, despite my lack of health insurance, can take me as a patient with a very small co-pay. I can see a therapist without fear of huge bills and I can get the help I need.

There are too many people who, for one reason or another, just can't afford it. I run a small business selling my art, I can't afford $100s a month for insurance that will likely try to get out of it when I need their help.

I'm also thankful that the people at said clinic are kind, cheerful and understanding. It's not a dreary whole in the wall and I go in knowing I'm getting wonderful care from people who want to help others.

It makes getting a shot a lot less horrible, I'll say that.

~Ari