Craft supplies, Grandma and Gratitude

So several months back, my Grandma started developing strange symptoms. I don't want to type it all out, honestly, but the result may be a form of Dementia.

I essentially inherited all of her crafting supplies, among other things.

The boxes have been sitting in piles for months and are a quiet reminder of the current state of things in my life.

I live in a small apartment, so there is no way to avoid them.

It's like...I don't want to get rid of it, even though I've gotten rid of quite a bit of "junk" that had been in there. Old, rusted needles, pins, things that can't be used anymore but for one reason or another, had sat in a box.

This is not to say my Grandma is a hoarder, she's just a woman who spent over 50yrs sewing and crafting as a living, it adds up.

So I have all of this and I didn't want to get rid of it. I think subconsciously I am telling myself, "She'll use it again. She'll sew and cook and do everything she has always done."

I don't want to accept the potential reality of the situation. Throwing things away, selling them, even if it's just fabric? It's like I'm throwing out pieces of her life and mine at the same time. She told me to use it all or sell it, so I should be ok with it, but I'm not.

When I sit down and let myself think about any of it for any amount of time, I feel like everything goes grey scale. It sounds so dramatic, but that's just how it is.

So for today's "Gratitude Journal" entry, I'm thankful for my Grandma. She stepped up when my biological mother walked out on my Dad and I. She helped take care of both of us. She taught me to sew, crochet, she taught me my business sense and salesman techniques. She taught me flower arranging and helped teach me to cook. A lot of the life skills I have, I have because of her(and Dad, but that's another entry).

I'm thankful to have such a wonderful person in my life, who I have shared so much with.

I have to accept that I can't get those things back, but even if she is never how she was, I still have those memories and experiences and they can't be taken away from me.

~Ari

So about that blogging thing

I'm not sure what about blogging is so ridiculous. I remember feeling pumped and motivated to fill this blog with tons of crafty, foody, happy things and then...nothing.

2011 was a particularly difficult year for both me and my family. It was like the perfect storm of emotional bad. Between my Grandma taking a downward spiral and old emotional scars rearing their ugly(angry, bitter and resentful) heads, I suspect I might have done with in a cave somewhere.

Personal hygiene would become an issue though, so the cave idea was out.

2011 taught me a lot about myself, how I really feel about some things and about people. Unfortunately, most of it was not exactly rainbows and kittens.

I'm still dealing with controlling my anxiety, anger and resentment/disappointment(both at myself and at other people) issues, which is why I came back to this blog.

This year I want to work on healing and moving past issues that have held me down for so long. 2011 didn't hold much in the way of personal projects (or time for that matter). It was all work work work. I'm fairly certain this lack of down time was kind of like feeding sugar to yeast.

What does that mean? At the least, weekly postings. Specifically documenting what it is I'm making and cooking. Where I am vacationing, etc. Essentially, a diary of the good times. That way when I start getting weighed down by my personal demons, I have somewhere to look back and see what I had to say about life at a happier time.

Here is hoping that I can actually accomplish it this year.