Taxes, bah. Gratitude Journal entry #5

Finally getting my paperwork for taxes all organized and taken care of.

Yes, I realize it is March.

Every year I tell myself I'm going to get these ready so when January comes, BAM, I'm ready! Like an ADULT.

Never happens, sigh.

On the plus, now that I understand how to sort business expenses, it goes very quickly.

Should have it all ready to go tonight, I hope.

I am thankful for music. I realize that's a wide, broad thing to be thankful for. When it's quiet, totally quiet, I start to think. It usually goes to the bad place and I'll end up sad, upset or panicky. Music is that thing that lifts my spirit and calms me. I listen to just about any sort, except perhaps "honky tonk", since it's too twangy and I can't relate to it.

I have the hope that I'll learn how to play many musical instruments, someday. I'd love to compose just one piece, something that is "me" in musical form, I think it would be a wonderful accomplishment.

~Ari

Gratitude Journal Day #4

I'm having problems realizing it's technically the next day, doh! My next one will just have to go up early in the day, instead of late at night.

The weather today was INSANE. Sunny, INSANE SNOW, sunny melted snow, MORE SNOW.

I think we have a couple inches now.

Today's gratitude? Fuzzy pants and socks. I normally don't wear socks, but when I do, they have to be colorful or fuzzy. Since I work from home, I tend to putz around in my jammie pants and tank tops a lot. It's a small thing to be thankful for, but sometimes those are the best.

They are especially wonderful on a day like today(yesterday?) when it couldn't decide if it was hot or cold!

~Ari

Gratitude Journal Day #3

Running a tad behind, didn't realize it had gotten so late.

Early yesterday morning(2:30am roughly) that tearing pain popped up in my chest again. It happened once more around 4:30pm. When it happens, I can't move. I just freeze because if I move or try to take a deep breath, it's like my chest is being ripped apart.

Pleasant, I know. It started around October 2009 and when I went to a MedExpress, they told me it was a pulled muscle that was inflamed.

Since then, it happens on and off at random. I went to the gym on Friday, so it could have been that. I haven't spoken to *my* Dr about it because I keep forgetting.

This lead to an anxiety attack(?) earlier. My mind ran through all the horrible things it could be and all the worst possible scenarios.

I wish I had never started watching, "House", or listened to others try and diagnose my problems. Since the first time someone told me my strange symptoms and head pain might be a tumor(I mean, really? You're going to say that to someone already worried? Which, btw, it turned out to be migraine symptoms. Yeah, big difference.) I go into a tizzy when some new, or yet to be determined pain pops up.

This all contributes heavily to my anxiety, which I have come to realize is a lot bigger of a deal than I gave it credit for.

I'll actually be going to see a therapist soon. It's weird and awkward, but it's time. I have a lot of issues. A lot of them I don't talk about to people, or get into too deep because, honestly? They won't understand. I'm happy they can't relate though.

I've got a lot of issues, from as far back as when I was 10. I generally compartmentalize and then keep moving forward, but when you keep doing that and never actually deal with your problems? You end up randomly crying, getting terrified of being somewhere because that person looked like so and so, getting angry for no reason. It's just not healthy and it's effecting my day to day life now.

So for today's Gratitude, I'm thankful for having access to a health center that, despite my lack of health insurance, can take me as a patient with a very small co-pay. I can see a therapist without fear of huge bills and I can get the help I need.

There are too many people who, for one reason or another, just can't afford it. I run a small business selling my art, I can't afford $100s a month for insurance that will likely try to get out of it when I need their help.

I'm also thankful that the people at said clinic are kind, cheerful and understanding. It's not a dreary whole in the wall and I go in knowing I'm getting wonderful care from people who want to help others.

It makes getting a shot a lot less horrible, I'll say that.

~Ari

Craft supplies, Grandma and Gratitude

So several months back, my Grandma started developing strange symptoms. I don't want to type it all out, honestly, but the result may be a form of Dementia.

I essentially inherited all of her crafting supplies, among other things.

The boxes have been sitting in piles for months and are a quiet reminder of the current state of things in my life.

I live in a small apartment, so there is no way to avoid them.

It's like...I don't want to get rid of it, even though I've gotten rid of quite a bit of "junk" that had been in there. Old, rusted needles, pins, things that can't be used anymore but for one reason or another, had sat in a box.

This is not to say my Grandma is a hoarder, she's just a woman who spent over 50yrs sewing and crafting as a living, it adds up.

So I have all of this and I didn't want to get rid of it. I think subconsciously I am telling myself, "She'll use it again. She'll sew and cook and do everything she has always done."

I don't want to accept the potential reality of the situation. Throwing things away, selling them, even if it's just fabric? It's like I'm throwing out pieces of her life and mine at the same time. She told me to use it all or sell it, so I should be ok with it, but I'm not.

When I sit down and let myself think about any of it for any amount of time, I feel like everything goes grey scale. It sounds so dramatic, but that's just how it is.

So for today's "Gratitude Journal" entry, I'm thankful for my Grandma. She stepped up when my biological mother walked out on my Dad and I. She helped take care of both of us. She taught me to sew, crochet, she taught me my business sense and salesman techniques. She taught me flower arranging and helped teach me to cook. A lot of the life skills I have, I have because of her(and Dad, but that's another entry).

I'm thankful to have such a wonderful person in my life, who I have shared so much with.

I have to accept that I can't get those things back, but even if she is never how she was, I still have those memories and experiences and they can't be taken away from me.

~Ari

Farmgirl Gratitude - Gratitude Journal Day #1

Yeah, I'll never be good at blogging, I think I've accepted that.

I DO have a ton of pictures of food I've made so far this year, eventually they'll get posted, maybe.

I recently joined the "Farmgirl Sisterhood", thanks to my mom. It's a gathering place for women who are farmgirls at heart. While I'm not sure if I could have an actual farm, I do love the idea of having a lovely, sprawling yard with a garden and herbs. Maybe a fountain, a gazebo...and of course, my beautiful sun room retreat.

Even if I'm not exactly a farm girl, I am a nature girl and that's close enough.

One of the things they do are merit badges.

I never had the chance to be a GirlScout, but I always thought it sounded fun. This is like a second chance to do awesome stuff and get badges I can look at and say, "YES, I accomplished this!"

So for my first badge, I'll be keeping a Gratitude Journal. Every day I will post something I am grateful for in my life, never repeating the same thing twice.

I told myself this year I would work on healing and a large part of that is seeing the positive and holding it close.

So here goes, I hope I can keep up with this!

GRATITUDE JOURNAL - DAY 1

I am thankful for my wonderfully supportive boyfriend. I'm self employed and work from home, so sometimes I feel like I'm a burden, especially when the dishes pile up or the living room is a mess. I'm also very emotionally unpredictable and sometimes I explode irrationally. He doesn't yell, he doesn't scold, he just lets me rant and rave until I am finished. Then we hug and he asks me to try and explain what is wrong.

He has helped me, just by being himself, in getting back to the sort of person I was before my life took a downward turn for a few years. My life is better for him being in it and I will be forever grateful I had the chance to meet someone so fantastic :)

(I promise myself I will not make super gushy "mwah mwah" posts everyday for what I am grateful for. Do you hear me self? None of those shenanigans!)

~Ari

So about that blogging thing

I'm not sure what about blogging is so ridiculous. I remember feeling pumped and motivated to fill this blog with tons of crafty, foody, happy things and then...nothing.

2011 was a particularly difficult year for both me and my family. It was like the perfect storm of emotional bad. Between my Grandma taking a downward spiral and old emotional scars rearing their ugly(angry, bitter and resentful) heads, I suspect I might have done with in a cave somewhere.

Personal hygiene would become an issue though, so the cave idea was out.

2011 taught me a lot about myself, how I really feel about some things and about people. Unfortunately, most of it was not exactly rainbows and kittens.

I'm still dealing with controlling my anxiety, anger and resentment/disappointment(both at myself and at other people) issues, which is why I came back to this blog.

This year I want to work on healing and moving past issues that have held me down for so long. 2011 didn't hold much in the way of personal projects (or time for that matter). It was all work work work. I'm fairly certain this lack of down time was kind of like feeding sugar to yeast.

What does that mean? At the least, weekly postings. Specifically documenting what it is I'm making and cooking. Where I am vacationing, etc. Essentially, a diary of the good times. That way when I start getting weighed down by my personal demons, I have somewhere to look back and see what I had to say about life at a happier time.

Here is hoping that I can actually accomplish it this year.

Panera's Brocoli Cheese Soup, a recreation you say?

Back in the Jan/Feb 2010 issue of "Food Network Magazine", they attempted to recreate Panera's Famous Broccoli Cheese soup. For those that don't know of Panera, it is a cafe like food chain that specializes in sandwiches, salads, soups and breads. http://www.panerabread.com/

Somehow, I had missed this recipe entirely. Color me surprised when I was flipping through my collection of magazines, looking for a dinner idea, and this showed up.

I absolutely adore Broccoli Cheese soup but I am very picky about it. It has to have just the right balance of creamyness, cheesyness and broccoli.

I won't lie, I looked at the recipe with skepticism. While I have faith in FNM, I also know how many times I've tried to recreate it with little success.

That said, last night I decided to take on the challenge. Below is the recipe, some photographs and my review:



As with most creamy soups, we start with a roux. This allows the soup to get thick and creamy.

I started by melting 6 tablespoons of unsalted butter in a large pot, over medium heat. Make sure it is unsalted, the cheese adds plenty of salt on it's own!

While the butter is melting, chop up 1 small onion. Once the butter has melted, add your onions to the butter and let them cook until tender, approximately 5 minutes.

Once the onions have a glassy look to them, you want to take 1/4 cup of flour and whisk it into the buttery onion mix. It is going to clump a little but don't worry, we'll fix that in a minute.

After the roux turns a golden color, it's time to add your half&half.

*Note: I only had 1 cup of half and half, so I had to use skim milk for the remainder. The consistency came out fine, so if you want a slightly less fattening option, you can substitute the half&half for low fat milk and it should be fine.



I whisked two cups of dairy(1cup half&half, 1cup Skim Milk) into the roux, slowly. Continue to whisk until the roux dissolves in the dairy and becomes smooth. This is the base of your soup, so make sure there are no lumps!



Next, take 3cups of low sodium chicken broth and pour it in.



Time to add the spices! Throw 2 bay leaves and 1/4tsp nutmeg in. Salt and pepper to taste. Remember the cheese will have a lot of salt in it. You can always add more, but you can't take away.

Allow everything to come to a simmer. Now, turn down the heat to medium-low and cook uncovered for about 20 minutes or until thickened.



While your soup is thickening, let's get to chopping those vegetables!

You will need 4 cups of broccoli florets(roughly 1 head) and 1 large carrot. Dice the carrot up. All of this will be blended later, so don't worry about it being perfectly sized.

Aren't the colors lovely? I adore fresh produce.



Add your broccoli and carrots into the pot. Continue simmering for another 20 minutes, or until the vegetables are nice and tender.



Now, remove those bay leaves and let's pour the soup into a blender. You will want to have some sort of towel on hand so the steam can get out, but that will block any splatter. I used the pulse option on my blender and it helped me to control how finely chopped I wanted my vegetables. I like my soup to be a bit chunkier than it ended up, but I know for next time.



Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. Cheese!

The recipe calls for 2 1/2 cups(apprx 8oz) of mixed, sharp white and yellow cheddar.

*Note: I did not notice the white part until after I was already cooking, so my soup only uses yellow. Because of this, I think the taste was a little off(not bad, mind you). So if you want to try for a perfect replication, remember the white cheddar! I'll be remaking this soon, to see what sort of difference it makes.

Take the cheese and your whisk and start adding it to your soup base. Add it bits at a time, so it can fully melt. Whisking helps to distribute it evenly. Save a little cheese for garnish.






And serve! The recipe suggests using Sourdough Bread Boules(bowls) to serve it in. I do suggest having some sort of crusty bread to go along with it, since this is such a creamy soup. The texture will add a lot to the overall enjoyment.

My final review? It was wonderful! A very simple soup, but very "fresh" tasting. I went to the gym shortly after eating this and it really gave me a boost of energy and made me feel wonderful.

The taste was not exact, but I suspect the lack of white cheddar was a big contributing factor. Also, the lack of preservatives may have also contributed(but is that really such a bad idea?)

I'm giving this recipe 4 out of 5 stars.

I hope you enjoyed the recipe and I'd love to hear stories or alterations anyone does!

Tonight we are heading out to Benihana Hibachi for an early V-Day date. Expect photos later tonight, along with potential, secret planning for our hopefully romantic V-Day dinner on Monday :3